Highs and Lows

I appreciate honesty. I find it helpful and comforting to my psyche when others openly acknowledge their own flaws, not because it makes me feel better than they are, but because it can be comforting to know someone else has had experiences similar to mine or that I'm not the only imperfect one. So here's my truth.

Having a new baby isn't always all gumdrops and lollipops. Not to be misunderstood, we are deeply and completely in love with Claire. All of us are. She is a little drop of sunshine. Yet sometimes there are challenges that come with having a newborn that are no fault at all of said baby. I've seen a statistic that 70-80% of new moms experience baby blues, yet I've seldom heard anyone talk about experiencing it. I don't know if my own personal experience qualifies as "baby blues", but I do know that the first week (or so) home has been challenging for me all three times. And, for me, I feel that it has always been triggered by breastfeeding. Or, to clarify, my inability to do so. With Sam, I never considered that there was an option other than breastfeeding....until it failed and I was forced to consider the other option. When I failed with Nathanael as well, I swore that, should there be another child, I wouldn't even attempt to breastfeed, hoping that by not even trying, I wouldn't feel as much guilt when it didn't work. But lo and behold, my whole pregnancy with Claire, I intended to try yet again, and this time I was certain it would work! She and I were alone most of the time our 2 days in the hospital, so I nursed that little baby constantly. Then, the day after we went home, she had to go in for a weight check and to check her bilirubin levels. Well, at 3 days old, she had lost a pound (11% of her weight) and her bilirubin levels were up (though not dangerously). They said as long as she was having a wet diaper every 6 hours, there was no need to supplement. Only, she wasn't having any wet diapers. Long story short, I quit. And it makes me feel extreme guilt and sadness. During that week, Sam asked me occasionally "why do you cry every day now?" When I managed to get out to him that I just felt a little sad, he replied "because you feel like you're a terrible mom? You're not a terrible mom. You're not perfect, but you aren't terrible." All the while, he was giving me the hugs I needed. I love that kid so.
So there it is. I'm a bottle feeder. These boobs just weren't made for milkin'. Will the guilt follow me forever? I feel like it's possible; I still feel the guilt 6 and 3 years later. Does it make me less of a mother? Logically, my brain tells me that it doesn't affect the quality of my parenting. But emotionally, it makes me feel inferior.
Next up on the list of blues inducers was the fact that I came home from the hospital sick. Just a cold, but a really bad one. Not only did I feel awful, but I was terrified that Claire would get sick, too. And really, how could she not? With her primary caregiver and two older brothers puffing germs all over her, the odds were certainly not in her favor. And sure enough, at 2 weeks old, Claire came down with her first cold.

My happy, healthy little girl turned into a sad little sicky over night. We spent an entire night awake, watching to make sure she was breathing after a few episodes of her gasping. In the end, the worst passed in just a few days and she is still dealing with some digestive dysfunction from antibiotics she is taking for an ear infection.

Despite the tears and challenges, these few weeks have been filled with much joy. My heart overflows with love and adoration for Claire. She is definitely our little princess. Everyone argues for their turn cuddling her. And she eats it up. She is a snugglebug. She loves to have her hands held. Her face is very expressive, just like Sam's was as a newborn. She likes to curl up into a small ball when she's laying on your chest. I love how tiny and soft she is. I love her squeaks and goose-like noises. She's a sweet little thing and oh so cute. The boys love to hold and touch her. Sam always says to her "look how cute you are!" or "I see you looking at me, Claire". Nathanael says "hey, girl" or "she's so beautiful". This morning he told me he wanted her to stay in her "jamas" because she was so cute in them. I can't believe it's already been three weeks. I can already feel her growing up too fast.